User blog:Alicehale.jasper/Ways to Annoy Edward Cullen

Well, here's a list of ways to annoy Edward Cullen. I have this list and more on my Wattpad, but I thought I'd put it on here, too. Enjoy.



1. Roll in glitter. Run around saying, “Look at me! I’m Edward! I’m Edward!”

2. Write him love poems. Sign them from Jacob.

3. Invite small children to his house for ‘scary story time’.

4. Wonder what to get him for a wedding present. “A mattress topper? No, that won’t work. A blender? No, wait… oh! A trip to Hawaii. Oh, never mind…”

5. When Bella says how much she loves him, think then why was she making out with Jacob at La Push yesterday?

6. When he announces his wedding, say “Why? Is Bella pregnant?”

7. Volunteer him for a blood drive.

8. Drive REALLY slow.

9. Visualize yourself naked.

10. Prance around the house singing Madonna’s ‘Like a virgin’ at the top of your lungs every morning, make sure Bella is around to hear.

11. Run it by Charlie that Edward has been ‘sleeping’ with Bella for the past 2 years, at the wedding reception.

12. Smear blood all over his new car freshener. Blame it on Jacob.

13. Buy him a dog. Name it Jacob.

14. Train the dog to follow him everywhere.

15. Sell Jacob his car for $5.

16. Pretend you don’t know where the car went and show him the $5 saying it was left on his porch.

17. Ask him to dress up as Dracula and fight with Jacob in his wolf form.

18. Invite people over to his house and trash it.

19. Tell Esme and Carlisle it was Edward’s idea.

20. Try to take his pulse and freak out when you can’t find one.

21. Every time he walks near you jump in front of the nearest car and scream “Save me Edward!”

22. Challenge him to a breath holding contest and accuse him of cheating.

23. Sing ‘It’s a small World” over and over again in your head and follow him around.

24. Give his number to Jessica and tell her he’s interested.

25. Ask him about Bella’s 18th B-Day party.

26.Just think of the color black when he’s around so he thinks he can’t read your mind.

27. Sing ‘I know a song that’ll get on you nerves’ continually, over and over again. He’ll go insane in less than 3 hours guaranteed.

28. Come to school wearing dark robes, red/black contacts, and white makeup. Go up to Edward. Claim to be from the Volturi and ask where Bella is.

29. Get Carlisle to have ‘the talk’ with him.

30. Torch his meadow.

31. Run around the school with flyers that say “Save the Mountain Lion!”

32. Say, “Oh, you and Bella looked so cute at the movies yesterday” and when he says that they never went to the movies say, “Oh, but I’m sure it was Bella, and she was all over that other guy,”

33. Tell him Darth Vader is his father.

34. Superglue Bella’s window shut.

35. In front of Nessie, say aren’t you glad you didn’t kill that little brat.

36. Remind him that Jacob and Nessie are eventually going to… well you know.

37. Say, “Wow, you lost your virginity at 107 and your daughter is going to lose hers at 7… to the guy who was in love with your wife.

38. Every time you take a picture of him, ask if he’ll show up when you print it out.

39. Before you print it out, Photoshop it so he doesn’t show up in it. Print it out and show it to him.

40. Tell him you think it’s great that he gave Bella up to Jake. When he asks you what you’re talking about, say “uh… I’ve said too much.” And run away.

41. After Bella dumps him for killing Jacob, tell him it was a misunderstanding, and that Bella and Jacob were never together.

42. Cove his yard with “Beware of vampire” signs.

43. Tell him that Nessie is Jasper’s daughter.

44. When you ‘discover’ he’s a vampire, throw holy water on him and shout “The power of Christ compels you!”

45. Tell Tanya Edward has decided to take her back.

46. Videotape the catfight between Bella and Tanya.

47. Post it on YouTube.

48. Tell Rosalie Edward thinks she’s ugly.

49. Watch the results.

50. End every argument with “Bite me, Edward.”

51. Whenever he complains or argues, reply with “What are you gonna do Edward? Go to Italy?

52. Run around with a light and threaten to set him on fire if he comes any closer.

53. Push him into the sun and start to sing diamonds are a girl’s best friend.

54. Throw garlic at him while screaming die die die.

55. Shove him over the boundary line.

56. Sing at the top of your voice…. Bella and Edward sitting in a tree. H-U-N-T-I-N-G!

57. Read New Moon and talk about it whenever he is around.

58. Constantly remind him that he almost lost Bella to a dog.

59. Call him a stalker.

60. Call him the 107 year old virgin.

61. Begin to sing “The Llama Song” but changing the words to ‘here’s a Cullen, there’s a Cullen and another little Cullen, fuzzy Cullen, funny Cullen, Cullen, Cullen, Truck!” in his ear.

62. Chant bloodsucker, leech, parasite over and over again in your head.

63. Hire a stripper to pop out of the wedding cake.

64. Show him the twilight trailer. Ask him if her thinks he looks like a pedophile or if it’s just you.

65. Post his phone number and address on e-harmony.

Warning! Doing most of the above will most likely result in death. Don't say I didn't warn you...