User blog comment:DenaliLover/Moonshine: Chapter 1/@comment-2072316-20110618201608

I agree with Pudding, but I was wondering.. I really like it when, from first person, the writer pays attention to details. I don't know, it seems to me like moving doesn't affect her at all, her mother doesn't really care about her feelings, and.. it's kind of simple. Maybe it's because you're dying to get on with later chapters?*wink*. I tend to do that sometimes, but the beginning is the most important part of a ..of anything. You could try to avoid really short sentences. I'm not saying any of this to be mean; I also like the intro, got me reading. In the end, yep, it does need that tinge of personality. (another one, because I really can't stop from saying this, try not to confuse your readers by introducing one character after the other, first define your heroine, which... I don't even know the name of, but I know her brother and aunt's name.) Not saying it to be mean!(though I have developed a big of a sting to my words from so many years of fic-reading.) Don't take any of it personally, it's your story:D