Twilight Saga

Twilight is a series/saga of fantasy/romance/horror novels by Stephenie Meyer. It follows the adventures of Isabella "Bella" Swan, a teenager who moves to Forks Washington and finds her life turned upside down when she falls in love to a vampire named LOLWUT.

The series is told primarily from Bella's point of view, with the epilogue of Eclipse being told from the viewpoint of Jacob Black. Midnight Sun, a future companion book to the series, will be told from my point of view.

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Plot
Non-existant, boring and pointless. After the book, readers are left thinking "LOL WUT?" due to the above.

Main Characters
Isabella Swan

Possibly the dullest, whiniest, and most weak-willed bitch of a main character you'll ever find outside of online fanfiction. If the name didn't give it away already, she's nothing but wish fulfillment for the author, Stephenie. The name "Bella" is actually Italian for "beautiful," so her name actually means "beautiful swan." Like oh-so-many protagonists for romance novels, she's the "average, ordinary, everyday girl" archetype, and constantly gets into life-endangering situations from which she cannot herself escape, thus becoming a damsel in distress. In an attempt to not make her absolutely perfect, the author gave her a fault of being really, ridiculously clumsy, which the Mary-Sue article will tell you is not an actual fault. If you have any doubt about Bella being a Sue, just read this description of Bella from Meyer herself.

Most of Bella's "character" is her whining about how she can't do anything without falling over. Despite the fact that she shows no evidence of any interesting personality aspects and can't do a goddamn thing right, everybody inexplicably loves her anyway, with a total of five guys lusting after her jailbait physique. After attending her new high school for one day, she becomes "liek, teh most popular girl in skewl" by doing jack shit. Evidently, Forks is one of those assfuck-nowhere towns where a new kid in the local high school is such an incredible occurrence as to garner the attention and awe of every single student and faculty member in an entire school, because clearly, they have nothing better to occupy their attention. Rather than come up with a reason for why she's so popular, the author decided to simply have Bella point out the mystery. Much like the protagonist of My Immortal, she can't walk three feet without being hit on or almost raped. It's astonishing that droves of women aren't offended by Bella Swan's character, since she is the very embodiment of the helpless, save-me-from-the-bad-person woman who is incapable of doing shit on her own without the aid of the other characters. It is also widely considered known that Bella Swan is the self-insert of the author, which results in lulz of epic proportions from people with common sense. Fucking Edward also makes Bella a necrophiliac. Bella has a striking resemblance to Meyer- minus 150 lbs

♥ Edward Cullen ♥

The vampire of Bella's affection, he's pretty much a talking mannequin. In the first book, before he was BFFs with Bella, he revealed himself as a stalker, following Bella to her house, and watching her sleep through her bedroom window. To any sane person this would be the signal to call the courthouse for a restraining order, but it's okay here because Edward is made of liquid sex. Every sentence describing him features the words "perfect," "flawless," "beautiful," "astonishing," and/or "breath-taking." (Here's a fun game: take a drink every time Meyer uses some elaborate adjective to describe him. You'll be in the hospital by chapter seven.) He has absolutely no characteristic flaws, making him nothing more than more wish fulfillment-- wait, I lied, Edward is an atheist, that's a flaw, especially for a Mormon writer.

There is no moment where he isn't in complete control of Bella. He is at least a hundred-years-old, and a vegetarian vampire, since he abstains from eating humans. (But pet owners watch out! He could be eating your cat as you are reading this!) When it comes to Bella he is unyielding and possessive and not hesitant to have a bite of anyone else who's considering her, this including Jacob Black. Edward can also read peoples' minds, a skill he frequently uses to cheat on game shows. Oh, wait! He can't read Bella's mind, because she is special and unique like a pretty snowflake.

His only fans are sexually repressed 16-year-old girls, with the only exception being the book's author, who invented Edward due to the lack of sex in her marriage.

The vampires in the novel evidently don't burst into flames when sunlight touches their oh-so-perfect skin; in fact, a chapter where Bella and Edward frolic in a forest shows that vampires sparkle in the sunlight like pretty fairies. In the third book he proposes to Bella because he doesn't want to have premarital sex, even though he has been a virgin for a hundred years, further solidifying his character as a man who doesn't exist. Edward can also play piano, which can give the feeling of sex through hearing it. Along with this, some argue he can make the straightest of guys gay for him, or even the most feminist straight for him. But these are just myths. All other characters in the series are irrelevant because none of them are Edward, proving that the power of fangirls and obsession is as strong as it's ever been. Oh yeah: EDWARD IS TEH SEX PEOPLE, DON'T DENIE IT!

In Breaking Dawn, Edward also explained how he and his family are so rich: he has been pimping out pregnant ladies since 1901. No word yet on how the fan girls are taking this horrible tragic piece of news. He also has secret buttsecks with Jacob Black whenever Bella isn't looking.

Edward is a regular on the hit TV Talk Show, Maury.

Jacob Black

Jacob Black is a fifteen-year-old werewolf Native American teenager with a massive sex drive. Along with being a self-proclaimed mechanic, Jacob is also an obsessive fanboy over Bella, and faps to her at least 100 times a day. When he is not trying to get rowdy with other werewolves, he usually spends a considerable amount of time masturbating in the privacy of his garage to thoughts of a Bella covered in bondage, whenever he gets tired of playing with bombs and motorcycles. He is madly in love with Bella despite the fact that he is well aware of her affair with Edward; he has even thought about a threesome. This scenario also causes Twilight fans to have wars with each other, leading to mass internet bloodshed and emo tears. One half of the fanbase raves, complete with big fangirl tears, that Bella is going to marry Jacob, the other half believes Bella is going to marry Edward. But don't get this confused with all the other totally original vampire/werewolf romance novels. It is just as bad as the Harry Potter and the Zutara shipper wars in which everything supporting one side is over analyzed or just plain made up. The losing side are obviously the Jacob and Bella ships since Stephenie Meyer clearly has no sense. As anyone with a brain knows, Jacob is a good man, a cute furry, and not an abusive loser. Unfortunately, he won't win Bella in the end. Actually, you know what, this should be praised, as he is too good of a person to have to live the rest of his life with a bitch like the protagonist. And he doesn't, Jacob instead falls in love with Bella's and Edward's baby. Well played, Meyer. Well played.

Renesmee (Nessie) Carlisle Cullen

Nessie Cullen is Bella and Edward's mutant hybrid spawn-of-Satan kid. It was named after the Loch Ness Monster, Bella's true love interest. Its full name is Renesmee Carlie Cullen. Yeah, I know what you're thinking: "What kind of a name is Renesemee?" Obviously, Bella was high on crack at the time she named her kid, and could only think about combining the sorry names of her real/vampy parents. Nessie took after her mom, and endorsed the Mary-Sue way of life. Although it tried with all its mutant might to kill the bitch on its way out of the girl's stomach, Bella survived, and spends most of her time coddling the mini-monster (when she's not off having sex with her equally horny husband).

Besides being really cute and having lots of pretty white teeth, Nessie also has the joy of growing super-fast; its soon-to-be-husband Jacob Black only has to wait seven years to begin the banging. So romantic. Don't you wish you could have started your period when you were three years old so you'd be ready to give your mommy's cast-off boyfriend a kid by age six? Although most of the fandom hates Nessie, they should feel sorry for the thing. After all, its own father tried to squish the living daylights out of it. Plus, as Bella said before, it's a hard knock life having a limitless credit card, being a gorgeous vampire, and having people love you no matter who the hell you kill or how much of a retarded bitch you are (seriously, somebody needs to wean the author off of all those drugs she's on).

Alice Cullen

Alice Cullen is Edward's perky step-sister who has the nifty ability to predict the future, which like Edward, allows her to cheat on game shows. She very much enjoys throwing parties like her long lost brother Corey Delaney. She is said to resemble Taylor Swift, Rachel Leigh Cook, and Amy Winehouse. Along with moving like a gazelle, Alice is said to rival even the toughest of the tough. Fangirls like to think that she, along with her God-like step brother Edward, can and will kill Chuck Norris. This is the biggest example of a lie in the history of mankind, even more untrue than the cake.

Jasper Hale

Jasper is a HALE. Like Edward and Alice he has some sort of power but it's pretty crappy compared to the other two. He also has a very big penis and loves to sing some songs about the confederacy. A southerner at heart, Jasper is known for participating in acts of incest with his brothers and sisters in his past lives, and, naturally, in this life. His new daddy Carlisle didn't like that, so when he was incorporated into the family and did the deed with Alice they changed his last name to Hale so that his attempt at incest resulted in fail. He has held a grudge against Carlisle and the rest of the "Cullens" ever since. Why not being a fucking Cullen is reason for anything other than extreme joy is beyond anyone with common sense, but we cannot hold this against poor Jasper, because it is not his fault that he is an inbred retard. Between singing about Southern rights and driving his pimped out Dukes of Hazzard car, he's by far one of the most fucked up characters in the book, and is obviously the author's original version of Edward before publishing convinced her that main characters involved in incest would spark controversy with the Mormons who make up over 9000 percent of her fan base. As revealed in Breaking Dawn, we find out that Jasper is actually bi. He once was apart of a dance troop who preformed all around Mexico. He earned his nickname, Jazz, from his ability to do the perfect Jazz Hand dance. Jasper also loves to spend his time sexing it up with his nomadic friends Peter and Charlotte, dying his wig different colors of blond, and going into vampy-mode at the sight of blood.

Rosalie Hale

Rosalie HALE is a spoiled slutty blonde whore. She only became a vampire after getting raped by her "soon to be" husband. Carlisle kidnapped her and after some pointless whining she became a vampire. Like every single fucking girl in the series, she's super jealous of the special and unique Bella. She's engaged to Emmett Cullen but readers speculate she'll dump him for some other guy (such as her brother Jasper) soon enough. She is also apparently regarded as the most beautiful woman in the world.

Emmett Cullen

Emmett Cullen is often described in the book like a bear. He is in fact the son of a naturalist who, after accidentally giving himself a mild tranquilizer while attempting to knock out a bear, wound up having unprotected sex with said bear. If you can't do the math, this makes Emmett a half breed. Emmett became a vampire after he hooked up with Rosalie at a brothel and is currently suspecting she is more than willing to dump him for another, more attractive man. There is much debate as to which will win Rosalie's affections at the end of the series: Emmett's huge, bear-like self, Edward's sex levels of over 9000, or the natural animal magnetism of her brother, Jasper.

Carlisle Cullen

Carlisle Cullen is a senile, retard in town. A dodgy doctor by day and a vegetarian vampire by night. The truth is that he originally wanted to be a vet but after all of the animals in his surgery died under mysterious circumstances, he decided he'd go into operating on people instead. When this didn't work either, he fled the country and joined the Peace Corps in Canada, where he got gang raped by some old, fugly vampires and became their slave for a few decades. It was after escaping, with the use of a rusty spoon and a dildo, that he met his soul mate, Esme.  Esme Cullen

The wife of Carlisle and the "adoptive mother" of his shit faced family. Esme has no real role in the book, except for being a subservient bitch who bends over, whenever big boi Carlisle wants. She generally strokes Bella's face and tells her "everything will be okay." She has no real skills and just plain sucks. Seriously...check out the chapter of "Eclipse" when Jasper trains the Cullens to gangrape newborn vampires..she gets pwned. Hard. In her past life, Esme jumped off a cliff to become an hero after her baby died. But failed. She was found in the morgue by Carlisle "Necro" Cullen and turned into a vampire. Every day since then, Carlisle has regretted this decision, but is afraid to leave Esme's bitch ass. She has a hardcore case of stalker and a virulent strain of herpes (which explains why she and Bella get along so well: they have SO MUCH IN COMMON!!!!.

The Volturi

The Volturi are composed of three gay men and are highly regarded as vampire royalty despite the obvious fact that they do nothing but hump each other day in, day out and practice kitten huffing. They also enjoy hunting other vampires and have also been reported to be serial cannibals, even deadlier than Hannibal Lecter as well as that they think that humans, particularly babies make tasty snacks. The Volturi are also known to frequent gay bars in their spare time and fantasize about raping other vampires such as Edward Cullen and Lestat de Lioncourt.

Charlie Swan

Bella's father. He bought that bitch of a daughter a car for her sweet sixteen, and she got angry at him because of it. She later forgave him, because the author didn't want Bella driving an ugly car around. He can't cook, and most probably lived off a combination of Dunkin' Donuts and Starbucks before he started expecting Bella to have dinner on the table every night. Likes to fish with his lover/bitch Billy Black, Jacob Black's father, whom he bought off of his fellow white men over 100 years ago. He wants Jacob and Bella to have sex and get married so they can all be family.

Symbolism
Lots of sexism, misogynism, purple prose and Mary-Sues. Your eyes will bleed. The future of literature is bleak.

Film adaptation
Twilight proved popular enough to its target audience of romance desperate women that a bunch of people are even making it into a film, which, to the disappointment of many, does not star or feature Gaspard Ulliel as Edward. Fangirls all over the world are bitching and whining about how he isn't in the movie, but we all know that when it comes out they'll go see it and have multiple orgasms when the chosen actor comes onto the screen, resulting in lulz from the people who will see the videos of said orgasms on Youtube for weeks to come. (LULZ get it?!?!!!1) No, instead of getting this guy to play Edward, the Americans had to get the next best thing--a brit. Particularly, one who has starred in things with Daniel Radcliffe. Unfortunately for fangirls, it wasn't the play about the naked boy and the horse, but rather the much less controversial Harry Potter movies (or rather, movie in the singular, seeing as he was killed off during the final scenes. We all know that "they have brooms" but the Potter Crew (Harry Potter And The Half Blood Prince) will kick some sleazy vampire and obsessed fangirl ass even though it out a year later because wizards don't sparkle and Catherine Hardwicke has the camera skills of a Rosewell producer.

Rabid fans
The Twilight Fanbase NICE TEETH BRAH NICE TEETH BRAH

They're stupid... extraordinarily stupid. The kind of stupid that feverishly believes that taking high angle shots and then running them through a desaturation filter is awesome, and it's even MORE awesome when it's put up on their myspace page. The kind of stupid that watches Hannah Montana, can't wait for high school because of the musical, and haven't had a real boyfriend yet. You know that girl who screams really loud during a firework display? That's a Twilight fan. The girl who laughs really loud in public just for the sake of being really loud in public? That's a Twilight fan. And don't think this kind of stupid is exclusive to prostatots, because it's not. These bitches are the most annoying people to talk to, because you literally feel like you are pulling teeth to have a mature debate with them about why Twilight is a piece of shit dead-end vampire romance. Half of those people are already published authors. They also dress up as the characters and probably feel stupid as hell when they realize that they all look the same at these book parties, mainly because the characters wear the SAME FUCKING CLOTHES AS NORMAL PEOPLE!

Aside from that they can be found on the books and authors section of yahooanswers.com where they constantly break the goddamn rules as if it's not on the website it bold print (fucking vampire idiots). It was cool until those Twili-tards tried to invade the Argentina, Salta section. Or you can go to Twilight on imdb.com and try to have a serious conversation with them but they are too horny to post about the actual book. Go there if you want to read about Bella sucking Edwards glacier dick. Oh yes,go there to chat about all things non Twilight related and cuss out a few stupid Twifucks (Sara hi&the last part rhymes with live) in the process because they enjoy trying to rule the board like it's some cheesy version of Gossip Girl. Considering, the first thing that they call Anti Twiligters is haters and trolls some of these vampire romance fiends are in serious need of wake up call (a beat down). All in all, these bitches are lame when it comes to following the rules or having a decent chat. Avoid them if you want to keep your temper online and run from them in real life when they approach you with a Twilight book. Chances are that they want you to join their sex cult and take turns role playing as Bella and Edward. More suprisingly, not a single fangirl has attempted a drawing of Rule34 for Twilight, even though the entire fanbase is sex starved. Some say it is because Meyer has converted the entire fanbase to Mormonism and it is agianst the religion to draw porn or do anything fun at all.

The male Twilight fans are Jacob incarnate. That is to say: they're only interested in the series because a bunch of girls read it, and hopefully by feigning friendship to the fanbase, they too can find a Bella Swan of their own and be more than just friends. (That is to say: rape some stupid lovesick loser.) They probably aren't there to chat about Edward's popsicle penis. Then again, it wouldn't really be surprising if they did.

To sum things up, if you are a fan of Twilight, you are solidifying yourself as a mindless dumbass who has absolutely no perception of what good literature is. You are made of AIDS and fail. However, this problem is reversible, to start you can begin by burning your copies of Twilight and it's sequels and attempting to read some Mark Twain or Isabel Allende. If you still cannot accept the fact that the Twilight series is and always will be complete shit, please do the entire fiction world a favor and become an hero.